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I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I’m usually on Prozac. When I’m not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

I’M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I’ve used Microsoft Office.

I’M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.

I’M BALANCED AND CENTERED: I’ll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.

I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.

I’M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

I’M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere’s better.

I’M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.

MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS: You’re probably looking for someone more experienced.

I AM ADAPTABLE: I’ve changed jobs a lot.

I AM ON THE GO: I’m never at my desk.

I’M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job, I’m outta there.

I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: I’m a college drop-out.

I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS: I’ve been accused of sexual harassment.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: Wait! Don’t throw me away!

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: Like, I’m gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

Never write a line of code that someone else can understand.

Make the simplest line of code appear complex. Use long counter intuitive names. Don’t ever code “a=b”, rather do something like:

AlphaNodeSemaphore=*(int)(&(unsigned long)(BetaFrameNodeFarm));
Type fast, think slow.

Never use direct references to anything ever. Bury everything in macros. Bury the macros in include files. Reference those include files indirectly from other include files. Use macros to reference those include files.

Never include a comment that will help someone else understand your code. If they understand it, they don’t need you.

Never generate new sources. Always ifdef the old ones. Every binary in the world should be generated from the same sources.

Never archive all the sources necessary to build a binary. Always hide on your own disk. If they can build your binary, they don’t need you.

Never code a function to return a value. All functions must return a pointer to a structure which contains a pointer to a value.

Never discuss things in concrete terms. Always speak in abstract. If they can understand you, they don’t need you.

Never complete a project on time. If you do, they will think it was easy and anyone can do it and they don’t need you.

When someone stops by your office to ask a question, talk forever but don’t answer the question. If they get their questions answered they don’t need you.

Load all sentences either written or spoken with alphabet soup. When someone asks you out to lunch, reply:

“I can’t because I’ve almost got my RISC-based OSI/TCP/IP client connected by BIBUS VMS VAX using SMTP over TCP sending SNMP inquiry results to be encapsulated in UDP packets for transmission to a SUN 4/280 NFS 4.3 BSD with release 3.6 of RPC/XDR supporting our ONC effort working.”
Never clean your office. Absolutely never throw away an old listing.

Never say hello to someone in hallway. Absolutely never address someone by name. If you must address someone by name, mumble or use the wrong name. Always maintain the mystique of being spaced out from concentrating on complex logic.

Never wear a shirt that matches your pants. Wear a wrinkled shirt whenever possible. Your shirt must never be tucked in completely. Button the top button without wearing a tie. This will maximize your mystique.

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY:

8:00 a.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 a.m.Oh, boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 a.m.Oh, boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 a.m.Oh, boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My favorite!
11:30 a.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
Noon- Oh, boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 p.m.Oh, boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 p.m.Oh, boy! To the park! My favorite!
5:00 p.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 p.m.Oh, boy! Pretty Mums! My favorite!
6:00 p.m.Oh, boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 a.m.Oh, boy! Watching TV with my master! My favorite!
8:30 p.m Oh, boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!


EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:

Day 183 of My Captivity:
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, he speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the high metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and got out twenty dollars. He kept 15 for administrative fees and gave the homeless person five.

Now you understand the difference between Republicans and Democrats.

A salesman was traveling between towns and got a flat tire in the middle of nowhere. Checking the spare, he found that it was flat, too. His only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the nearest town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a pickup truck. He yelled out the window to the salesman, "Need a lift?" "Yes, I do," replied the salesman.

"Are you a Democrat or Republican?" asked the old man. "A Republican," replied the salesman. "Get screwed!" yelled the old man as he sped off.

The next vehicle to stop rolled down the window and asked the same question, to which the salesman gave the same answer, "Republican." The driver gave him the finger and drove off.

The salesman thought it over, and decided that maybe he should change his approach, since there appeared to be few Republicans in this area.

The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked him if he were a Democrat or Republican. "Democrat!" shouted the salesman. "Hop in!" replied the blonde.

Driving down the road, he can't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to him - the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continues to ride higher and higher up her thighs.

Finally, he yells "STOP THE CAR! STOP THE CAR!" She slams on the brakes, and, as soon as the car stops, he jumps out. "What's the matter?" she asks.

"I can't take it!" he replies. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to sleep with a woman I've only just met!"

* You're waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed.

* Beers at lunch get you reprimanded.

* College sweatshirts are 'casual' instead of dress up.

* Your parents charge rent.

* The four food groups are no longer beer, pizza, chips and cereal.

* It's 'getting late' when it's 9:30 p.m.

* Three words: Student Loan Payments.

* You make thousands of dollars a year - and still can't afford that dream Porsche.

* You start eyeing the Light Beer Section appreciatively.

* THEN, discussing with your friends: GPA's, spring break plans, and tonsil hockey; NOW: mutual funds, interest rates, and wedding plans.

* Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

* Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.

* Sneakers are now 'weekend shoes'.

* Your salary is less than your tuition.

* Your potted plants stay alive.

* Having sex in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.

* You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

* You have to pay your own credit card bill.

* Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.

* You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.

* You have to file for your own taxes.

* You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

* You're not carded anymore.

* You carry an umbrella.

* You learn that "Bachelor" is nicer term for a jackass.

* "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary,which is a little less than your allowance used to be.

* "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid and not married.

* Your friends marry instead of hook-up; and divorce instead of break-up.

* You start watching the weather channel.

* Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.

* You can no longer do shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.

* You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

* You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.

* You go to parties that the police don't raid.

* Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.

* You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.

* Your car insurance goes down.

* You refer to college students as kids.

* You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.

* Your parents start making casual remarks about grandchildren.

* You feed your dog Science Diet instead of Taco Bell.

* Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.

* Pregnancy now brings thought of tax deductions instead of coronaries.

* The only drugs you take are Tums and Tylenol.

* The weak single you hit in the intramural softball game is now remembered as a Varsity dinger for the League Championship.

* You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN Sportscenter, and MTV News.

* You wear more ties in a week than you even owned while in college.

* You find yourself reminiscing fondly of 2-hour Calculus exams.

* You empathize with the characters from 'Friends.'

* METABOLISM SLOWDOWN

* Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone's and Mad Dog.

* You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

* Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food.

* When drinking, you say at least once per night, "I just can't put it down the same way as I used to.'

* Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work, not video games.

* You're actually willing to pay a bit more to drink in a bar that's not full of '21-year-old kids.'

* Golf is beginning to seem a lot less silly.