AlanBarber.Org
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Rocking out in cubicle land... http://t.co/trOKKOy5
Thu May 17, 2012 12:34 PM
New project to play with for the day. Writing a VS2010 plugin that runs on every build... this should be fun!
Thu May 17, 2012 11:48 AM
Today is *facepalm* day... Dev DB was rolled back without telling any developers. ugg!
Thu May 17, 2012 9:13 AM
Started watching Breaking Bad the other day. Little slow at first but it gets really good. Bryan Cranston turns into one serious badass :)
Wed May 16, 2012 8:52 PM
§ Jokes & Other Funnies
Wednesday, April 07, 2004
The first realizations that you’re not in college anymore
* You're waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed.
* Beers at lunch get you reprimanded.
* College sweatshirts are 'casual' instead of dress up.
* Your parents charge rent.
* The four food groups are no longer beer, pizza, chips and cereal.
* It's 'getting late' when it's 9:30 p.m.
* Three words: Student Loan Payments.
* You make thousands of dollars a year - and still can't afford that dream Porsche.
* You start eyeing the Light Beer Section appreciatively.
* THEN, discussing with your friends: GPA's, spring break plans, and tonsil hockey; NOW: mutual funds, interest rates, and wedding plans.
* Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
* Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.
* Sneakers are now 'weekend shoes'.
* Your salary is less than your tuition.
* Your potted plants stay alive.
* Having sex in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
* You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
* You have to pay your own credit card bill.
* Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
* You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
* You have to file for your own taxes.
* You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
* You're not carded anymore.
* You carry an umbrella.
* You learn that "Bachelor" is nicer term for a jackass.
* "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary,which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
* "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid and not married.
* Your friends marry instead of hook-up; and divorce instead of break-up.
* You start watching the weather channel.
* Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
* You can no longer do shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
* You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
* You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
* You go to parties that the police don't raid.
* Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
* You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
* Your car insurance goes down.
* You refer to college students as kids.
* You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.
* Your parents start making casual remarks about grandchildren.
* You feed your dog Science Diet instead of Taco Bell.
* Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
* Pregnancy now brings thought of tax deductions instead of coronaries.
* The only drugs you take are Tums and Tylenol.
* The weak single you hit in the intramural softball game is now remembered as a Varsity dinger for the League Championship.
* You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN Sportscenter, and MTV News.
* You wear more ties in a week than you even owned while in college.
* You find yourself reminiscing fondly of 2-hour Calculus exams.
* You empathize with the characters from 'Friends.'
* METABOLISM SLOWDOWN
* Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone's and Mad Dog.
* You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
* Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food.
* When drinking, you say at least once per night, "I just can't put it down the same way as I used to.'
* Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work, not video games.
* You're actually willing to pay a bit more to drink in a bar that's not full of '21-year-old kids.'
* Golf is beginning to seem a lot less silly.
* Beers at lunch get you reprimanded.
* College sweatshirts are 'casual' instead of dress up.
* Your parents charge rent.
* The four food groups are no longer beer, pizza, chips and cereal.
* It's 'getting late' when it's 9:30 p.m.
* Three words: Student Loan Payments.
* You make thousands of dollars a year - and still can't afford that dream Porsche.
* You start eyeing the Light Beer Section appreciatively.
* THEN, discussing with your friends: GPA's, spring break plans, and tonsil hockey; NOW: mutual funds, interest rates, and wedding plans.
* Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
* Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.
* Sneakers are now 'weekend shoes'.
* Your salary is less than your tuition.
* Your potted plants stay alive.
* Having sex in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
* You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
* You have to pay your own credit card bill.
* Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
* You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
* You have to file for your own taxes.
* You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
* You're not carded anymore.
* You carry an umbrella.
* You learn that "Bachelor" is nicer term for a jackass.
* "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary,which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
* "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid and not married.
* Your friends marry instead of hook-up; and divorce instead of break-up.
* You start watching the weather channel.
* Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
* You can no longer do shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
* You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
* You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
* You go to parties that the police don't raid.
* Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
* You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
* Your car insurance goes down.
* You refer to college students as kids.
* You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.
* Your parents start making casual remarks about grandchildren.
* You feed your dog Science Diet instead of Taco Bell.
* Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
* Pregnancy now brings thought of tax deductions instead of coronaries.
* The only drugs you take are Tums and Tylenol.
* The weak single you hit in the intramural softball game is now remembered as a Varsity dinger for the League Championship.
* You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN Sportscenter, and MTV News.
* You wear more ties in a week than you even owned while in college.
* You find yourself reminiscing fondly of 2-hour Calculus exams.
* You empathize with the characters from 'Friends.'
* METABOLISM SLOWDOWN
* Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone's and Mad Dog.
* You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
* Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food.
* When drinking, you say at least once per night, "I just can't put it down the same way as I used to.'
* Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work, not video games.
* You're actually willing to pay a bit more to drink in a bar that's not full of '21-year-old kids.'
* Golf is beginning to seem a lot less silly.
Sunday, March 21, 2004
High School VS. College
1) In high school, you do homework. In college, you study.
2) No food is allowed in the hall in high school. In college, food must be provided at an event before students will come.
3) In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder; in college, on both.
4) In college, the professors can tell you the answer without looking at the teacher's guide.
5) In college, there are no bells or tardy slips.
6) In high school, you have to live with your parents. In college, you get to live with your friends.
7) In college, you don't have to wait in a certain lunch line to be cool.
8) Only nerds e-mailed in high school. Cool kids hadn't heard of it.
9) In high school, you're told what classes to take. In college, you get to choose; that is, as long as the classes don't conflict and you have the prerequisites and the classes aren't closed and you've paid your tuition.
10) In high school, if you screw up you can usually sweet-talk your way out of it. In college, you're lucky to ever talk with the professor.
11) In high school, fire drills are planned by the administration; in college, by the drunk frat boys on their way home when the bars close.
12) In college, any test consists of a larger percentage of your grade than your high school final exams ever did.
13) In high school, when the teacher said, "Good morning," you mumbled back. In college, when the professor says, "Good morning," you write it down.
14) In high school, freshman guys hit on senior girls. In college, senior guys hit on freshman girls.
15) In college, weekends start on Thursday.
16) In college, it's much more difficult to figure out the course schedule of the man/woman you have a crush on, in order to figure out where he/she will be walking around campus and at what time to find them there.
17) Once you've obtained the information described in #16, it's much more time-consuming to run between classes to that place where you know he/she will be in order to "just happen to bump into him/her."
18) In college, there's no one to tell you not to eat pizza three meals a day.
19) In college, your dad doesn't pay for dates.
20) In high school, it never took 3 or 4 weeks to get money from Mom and Dad.
21) College men are cuter than high school boys.
22) College women are legal.
23) In college, when you miss a class (or two or three), you don't need a note from your parents saying you were skip....uh, sick that day.
24) In high school, you can't go out to lunch because it's not allowed. In college, you can't go out to lunch because you can't afford it.
2) No food is allowed in the hall in high school. In college, food must be provided at an event before students will come.
3) In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder; in college, on both.
4) In college, the professors can tell you the answer without looking at the teacher's guide.
5) In college, there are no bells or tardy slips.
6) In high school, you have to live with your parents. In college, you get to live with your friends.
7) In college, you don't have to wait in a certain lunch line to be cool.
8) Only nerds e-mailed in high school. Cool kids hadn't heard of it.
9) In high school, you're told what classes to take. In college, you get to choose; that is, as long as the classes don't conflict and you have the prerequisites and the classes aren't closed and you've paid your tuition.
10) In high school, if you screw up you can usually sweet-talk your way out of it. In college, you're lucky to ever talk with the professor.
11) In high school, fire drills are planned by the administration; in college, by the drunk frat boys on their way home when the bars close.
12) In college, any test consists of a larger percentage of your grade than your high school final exams ever did.
13) In high school, when the teacher said, "Good morning," you mumbled back. In college, when the professor says, "Good morning," you write it down.
14) In high school, freshman guys hit on senior girls. In college, senior guys hit on freshman girls.
15) In college, weekends start on Thursday.
16) In college, it's much more difficult to figure out the course schedule of the man/woman you have a crush on, in order to figure out where he/she will be walking around campus and at what time to find them there.
17) Once you've obtained the information described in #16, it's much more time-consuming to run between classes to that place where you know he/she will be in order to "just happen to bump into him/her."
18) In college, there's no one to tell you not to eat pizza three meals a day.
19) In college, your dad doesn't pay for dates.
20) In high school, it never took 3 or 4 weeks to get money from Mom and Dad.
21) College men are cuter than high school boys.
22) College women are legal.
23) In college, when you miss a class (or two or three), you don't need a note from your parents saying you were skip....uh, sick that day.
24) In high school, you can't go out to lunch because it's not allowed. In college, you can't go out to lunch because you can't afford it.
Saturday, March 13, 2004
Tips for surviving college
* Minimize food budget by scheduling classes around Happy Hour.
* Enjoy being a sophomore -- It will be the best three years of your life.
* Wear an athletic cup to panty raids, because it's all fun and games until someone loses their 'nads.
* Lemon juice and baking soda make an excellent bong water stain remover.
* Earn extra cash by parlaying chemistry knowledge into lucrative "home pharmaceuticals" business.
* If an 8:00 am class is required for your major, change your major.
* Boring lecture? Start a wave!
* College-level algebra: 5 returnable bottles = 1 delicious Ramen Noodle dinner.
* "I Phelta Thi" is *not* a real fraternity, except at state colleges.
* Remember - almost no one complains when you puke in a dumpster.
* Clever margin manipulation can turn a 4-page outline into a 100-page senior essay.
* Football games were never meant to be observed by sober people.
* Don't think of it as sleeping with your professor -- think of it as "acing Biology."
* In a pinch, beer can be used as a milk substitute in your breakfast cereal.
* Enjoy being a sophomore -- It will be the best three years of your life.
* Wear an athletic cup to panty raids, because it's all fun and games until someone loses their 'nads.
* Lemon juice and baking soda make an excellent bong water stain remover.
* Earn extra cash by parlaying chemistry knowledge into lucrative "home pharmaceuticals" business.
* If an 8:00 am class is required for your major, change your major.
* Boring lecture? Start a wave!
* College-level algebra: 5 returnable bottles = 1 delicious Ramen Noodle dinner.
* "I Phelta Thi" is *not* a real fraternity, except at state colleges.
* Remember - almost no one complains when you puke in a dumpster.
* Clever margin manipulation can turn a 4-page outline into a 100-page senior essay.
* Football games were never meant to be observed by sober people.
* Don't think of it as sleeping with your professor -- think of it as "acing Biology."
* In a pinch, beer can be used as a milk substitute in your breakfast cereal.
Wednesday, March 10, 2004
A mans diary
Dear Diary,
I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.
And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do."
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT????!!!"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You must not be in tune with my emotional needs as a woman."
I am thinking "what was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing was going to happen that night so I went to sleep.
The very next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed dept. store...I walked around with her while she tried on three different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her to take all three.
She wanted matching shoes, I said "lets get a pair for each outfit."
We went to the jewelry dept. where she gets a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said it was OK.
She was almost sexually excited from all of this.
You should have seen her face when she said "I think this is all dear, lets go to the cash register."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out "No honey, I don't feel like buying all of this stuff now."
You should have seen her face...it went completely blank.
I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man."
I figure that I won't be having sex again until sometime after the spring of 2008.
I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.
And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do."
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT????!!!"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You must not be in tune with my emotional needs as a woman."
I am thinking "what was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing was going to happen that night so I went to sleep.
The very next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed dept. store...I walked around with her while she tried on three different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her to take all three.
She wanted matching shoes, I said "lets get a pair for each outfit."
We went to the jewelry dept. where she gets a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said it was OK.
She was almost sexually excited from all of this.
You should have seen her face when she said "I think this is all dear, lets go to the cash register."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out "No honey, I don't feel like buying all of this stuff now."
You should have seen her face...it went completely blank.
I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man."
I figure that I won't be having sex again until sometime after the spring of 2008.